I haven’t posted lately. Usually, when I don’t post it’s because I’m not in the mood or because I’m busy. This time, though, is because I’ve been doing nothing the past couple of days. I have been feeling great, and I’ve been relaxing.
First, a sneak peak into my life the past couple of days…
These are good times. Happy times. And times like these are sometimes more anxiety producing than times when I’m down in the dumps. See, with depression like mine (and many others) good days in the winter are yearned for. And when a stretch of good days occurs, we assume it’s a fluke. But, I’ve felt good..really good…the past week. I’ve gone through scenarios of the possible cause…
Could it be that its Thanksgiving break? Sure that makes me relax, but I genuinely enjoy my job now and love where I work and who I work with. Maybe it’s because I just saw my mom and step dad this past weekend, but they’re gone home and my good mood has continued. It could be my recent medication increase of my antidepressant. Its been a month and a half later and I’m now taking it in the morning (which means I’ll sleep better and not so restless). So maybe it’s that I’m sleeping better now. Or maybe it that after a very good conversation with my therapist, then Laura and Taylor, I have decided to stop thinking so much in the future – this was spurred by me getting to a very sad part in a book I’m currently reading and then projecting the grief from the character in the book into my own life…which meant I sat around obsessing about what I would do if I lost anyone in my life…mom, dad, doug, laura, tay, cindy, my dog, Mitchell, my grandparents, my family, my friends, my kids. Let me tell you, IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.
I’ve learned something:
It’s tattoed on the arm of my favorite author, Jennifer Lawson (thebloggess.com). It reminds me of this moment I’m in right now where I am euphoric, happy, ecstatic about life… my days have been great, my stress has been low. Then the lie sneaks in and says “hey guess what? you’re probably actually manic. this isn’t a good thing you’re feeling. This is just proof that you actually ARE bipolar and this is an upswing and because you’re nuts they’ll take this bit of euphoria away from you too with another medication to add to the mix.”
When all I really want this to be is what it feels to be happy and bright and alive and ME.
Laura gave me a bit of advice last night: “you are allowed to feel happy and all the other good feelings, allowed to be present and enjoy.”
Dammit, I deserve this.