This past Christmas at my dad’s, I heard my aunt slyly sneak in a mocking “Awesome, Awesome, Awesome” when next to me as we admired my Dad’s new tv set up in his room. Here’s the thing, I had just said 10 seconds prior “That TV is awesome, Dad, just amazing.” A moment of silence passed (as it normally does with my Dad as he is doing his hallmark “I heard you, I’m just thinking…gimme a min.” and I repeat “So Awesome.” only to hear my aunt echo me moments later. I pretended to not hear her. But I did. And it bothered me a little, not because of what she said but because she doesn’t know why I say things like that repeatedly. I’ve never told her, it’s not her fault, I just haven’t shared that part of my introverted attempting to be an extrovert self to her before.
I say awesome and amazing because they are comfortable go-to-words for me when I’m unsure of what to say. WAIT – I don’t want that to sound like I say them without meaning them. I mean what I say, MOST of the time. This is one of those times that I meant what I said. Awesome and amazing are comfortable positive words for me. When writing, I can use all kinds of exquisite tasteful reach out and touch the feeling kind of words – however, when I speak it all seems to me to sound a little off, a little unfeeling, a little rehearsed. Maybe because I get nervous? I don’t know. Maybe its the introvert in me holding the reigns of the extrovert just so that it can speed forward but not break the human barrier.
Did that make any sense? It did to me.
Just like I say “oh that sucks” for my negative go-to-comfort word. I’m an awkward, very anxious kid, and I feel sometimes that people in my family don’t realize that about me…because with most of them I have shared my issues of anxiety with, in conversation from time to time so they at least know I’m a little tweaked to the left diagonal of normal (wherever that may be).
I’m not one for new year’s resolutions but maybe I should try harder to be open with those around me. Just a thought.